Asexual Relationships: Love, Dating and Talking About What You Want

Asexual relationships work the way most relationships work: two people figure out what closeness means to them and build around it. Asexual (ace) people feel little or no sexual attraction, yet many fall in love, date, kiss, move in together and marry. Others want deep partnership without romance, and some want neither.

The hard part is rarely love. It is the conversation about sex, touch and expectations, especially when one partner is ace and the other is allosexual, meaning they do feel sexual attraction. This guide starts with what the research shows, compares the common relationship setups, and then walks through that conversation step by step. It ends with dating, marriage, warning signs, and where consent fits in.

What research says about ace people in relationships

Yes, ace people fall in love and form partnerships, though fewer of them are partnered at any given moment than the non-ace people who answered the same survey. The numbers come mostly from one large community survey, so they describe a slice of the ace community rather than every ace person.

Romantic attraction runs on its own track

Many ace people describe two separate kinds of attraction. Sexual attraction is the pull toward sex with a particular person. Romantic attraction is the pull toward a romantic bond: dating, falling for someone, wanting to build a life together. Queen’s University’s Sexual Health Research Lab puts it plainly: being asexual does not mean a person lacks romantic attraction.

The latest Ace Community Survey shows how varied this gets. Among ace respondents, 37.3% identified as aromantic, meaning they feel little or no romantic attraction. Another 21.5% chose biromantic or panromantic labels, and 19.7% chose heteroromantic or homoromantic ones. Respondents could pick several labels, so these shares overlap. An aromantic ace person may still want a committed partner, a co-parent or a housemate who feels like family.

How often ace people partner up

In the same survey, 71.6% of ace respondents were single, 16.2% were in one partnered relationship, and 6.4% were married. The small non-ace comparison group looked quite different: 45.7% single and 11.9% married. Partnering also varied within the ace spectrum. Demisexual respondents, who feel sexual attraction only after a close bond forms, were married at 9.6%, against 5.8% of asexual respondents.

Lower partnership rates do not mean ace people avoid love. Only 9.4% of ace respondents were actively looking, but another 47.7% were not looking and would be open to a relationship. About 42.9% did not want one at all.

Where the evidence is thin

Treat these figures as a sketch. The survey recruited online, and its ace respondents skewed young: 37.3% were aged 18 to 24, and only 5.1% were over 45. Its own authors warn that the sample cannot be considered representative of ace people in general. Young people are less likely to be married whatever their orientation, so the marriage gap may partly reflect age.

The base rate is uncertain too. The figure most often quoted is that about 1% of people are asexual. The source does not say how that figure was measured, so treat it as a rough guide rather than a precise count. Researchers still know far more about who ace people are than about how their long relationships unfold.

Four common relationship setups and what each tends to need

There is no single ace relationship model. Most fall into one of four setups, and each tends to strain in its own predictable place.

Reading the table

Monogamy is by far the most common style among ace people who partner. In the 2024 Ace Community Survey, 45.9% of ace respondents described their current or most recent relationship as monogamous. Smaller groups described polyamory (6.4%), relationship anarchy (4.6%) or an open relationship (3.7%). Relationship anarchy means skipping preset rules about which relationships rank above others. Write-in answers in the 2022 survey included queerplatonic relationships and being monogamous with a non-monogamous partner.

Queerplatonic partners may live, budget and raise children together, sometimes marrying for legal and financial protection. Without marriage, those bonds have little legal recognition in many places.

The categories also blur. A couple can start mixed and monogamous, then open up years later. Labels matter less than whether both people chose the arrangement freely.

How to talk with a partner about sex, touch and asexuality

The conversation goes best when you treat it as a series of small talks rather than one big verdict. The steps below are a structure, and the phrasings in quotes are suggestions to adapt into your own words. Reciting them word for word will sound stiff, and your partner will notice.

Before the conversation

1. Get clear on your own yes, maybe and no. Before you can explain your boundaries, you need to know them. List the kinds of touch and intimacy you enjoy, tolerate, or want to avoid. Sex therapists use Yes/No/Maybe lists for exactly this purpose. You will know this step worked when you can name two or three specifics, not just “I’m ace.” A note to yourself might read: “Hugs, yes. Kissing, sometimes. Sex, no for now.”

2. Pick a calm, private moment away from the bedroom. Raising it mid-kiss or after a rejected advance turns it into a fight. A walk, a drive or a quiet evening works better. You might open with: “There’s something about me I want you to understand. Is now a good time?”

3. Decide what this first talk is for. One goal is enough: being understood, sharing a label, or agreeing to keep talking. Something like: “I don’t need us to solve anything tonight. I just want you to know where I’m coming from.”

During the conversation and after it

4. Name the orientation, and say what it does and does not mean. Many people have never heard the word explained. Keep it simple: “Being asexual means I don’t feel sexual attraction. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or find you special.”

5. Describe preferences as specifics. “Ace” covers people who are repulsed by sex and people who are fine with it. Your partner needs your version. Try: “I love falling asleep holding hands. Kissing is nice sometimes. Sex is something I don’t want.”

6. Ask what your partner needs, then listen without defending. Their needs are real too, even if you cannot meet all of them. A starting question could be: “What does feeling loved look like for you? What worries you about this?” You will know this step landed if they say something you had not heard before.

7. Agree on a small next step and a check-in date. Leave with one concrete experiment and a date to revisit it. For instance: “Can we try more non-sexual time together for a month, then talk about how it’s going?”

Expect to repeat the last four steps many times over the years. Couples therapists who work with differing sexual interests focus on lowering shame and pressure first. That is a good test for your own talks: both people should leave feeling less pressured, not more.

If you are the allosexual partner

If your partner is ace and you are not, your job is to learn their actual preferences and to be honest about your own. Both matter. A relationship where only one person’s needs count will not last, whichever person that is.

Questions worth asking

Ask about specifics rather than the label. Which kinds of touch feel good, which feel neutral, and which feel bad? Is sex ever something they want, and if so, for what reasons? Some ace people choose sex to feel close or to please a partner, while others never want it. Finally, ask what makes them feel loved. The answer might be time, words, help with chores, or physical closeness that has nothing to do with sex.

Ask once, listen fully, and then let the answer stand. Re-asking the same question every week turns curiosity into pressure.

Assumptions to drop

The first assumption to let go of is that this is about you. A lack of sexual attraction is not a verdict on your looks or your worth. The second is that it is a problem to fix or a phase to wait out. Researchers have found that ace people, unlike people with low-desire disorders, do not report sexual distress about their lack of desire. The ace partner’s comfort is the baseline, and therapy will not reset it. Third, a yes once is not a yes forever. Consent to one kind of touch on one evening does not carry over to the next.

Your own desire without pressure

Your sexual needs are legitimate, and hiding them breeds resentment. The question is where you take them. Some allosexual partners rely on masturbation, some negotiate occasional sex the ace partner freely chooses, and some agree on an open arrangement. Many simply decide that the relationship is worth the trade-off.

What you cannot do is make your frustration your partner’s daily burden. Talk it through with a friend or a counsellor first, then bring your partner a clear request instead of a complaint. Asking is fine. Campaigning is not: repeated hints, sulking and sighs after a no all count as pressure.

Kissing, touch and affection run on a spectrum

Some asexual people love kissing and cuddling, some tolerate it, and some dislike any physical intimacy. Asexuality describes attraction, not a fixed rulebook for touch, so the only way to know a partner’s preferences is to ask.

Repulsed, indifferent, favourable

Ace people often describe their feelings about personally having sex with a few terms, set out in the 2022 Ace Community Survey. Sex-repulsed means the idea of taking part feels unpleasant. Sex-averse is a strong dislike or opposition, and sex-indifferent means neutral. Sex-favourable means open to or enjoying sex despite little sexual attraction.

That survey let respondents pick more than one answer. The most common, at 41.9%, was that it strongly depended on circumstances. Another 38.3% were averse, 33.6% repulsed, 29.4% indifferent, and 12.4% favourable. Among non-ace respondents, 71.2% were favourable. Subgroups also differed widely: 38.2% of asexual respondents felt repulsed, against 11.2% of demisexual respondents.

Two other answers matter for couples. About 27.9% said it depended on the specific act, and 28.5% said their feelings changed over time. So the same person might enjoy kissing, dislike sex, and feel differently next year.

Mapping touch together

A shared Yes/No/Maybe list turns a vague worry into something you can talk about. Each partner sorts activities such as hand-holding, kissing, cuddling and sleeping in the same bed into three columns. Therapists use the same tool with couples who have mismatched sexual interests.

It also helps to separate sensual touch from sexual touch. Sensual touch is physical closeness enjoyed for comfort, like a back rub. About 72.8% of ace respondents in the 2022 survey knew the term “sensual attraction”. Many aces who want no sex still crave this kind of closeness.

Revisit the list now and then. Stress, illness, trust and time can all move items between columns, in either direction.

Dating, finding partners and making it long-term

Ace people find partners on mainstream apps, in ace communities and through friends. Many go on to marry. The main choices are where to look, when to tell someone, and how to keep a long commitment honest.

Where ace people meet partners

Mainstream dating sites slowly added orientation options. OkCupid, for example, added asexual as a sexual identity in 2014. Ace-specific apps also exist. AceCupid’s store listing pitches it to ace people seeking friendship, platonic relationships or a deeper bond.

Each route has trade-offs. Ace-only spaces remove the need to explain yourself, but the pool is small and may be far away. Mainstream apps offer more people, at the cost of more awkward conversations.

When to tell someone you are ace

There are three common points: in the profile, in the first few dates, or before things turn physical. Listing it up front filters out people who would not accept it. Waiting lets someone know you first, but the longer you wait, the more it can feel like a late surprise.

Partners tend to hear it eventually. In the 2024 Ace Community Survey, 69.7% of ace respondents were out to all their current partners, while 18.7% were out to none.

Meet early dates in public places, as anyone should. When you do tell someone, a short version works: “I should mention I’m asexual. I’m interested in a relationship, but sex isn’t something I’m looking for. Happy to answer questions.”

Marriage and long-term commitment

Can asexual people get married? Yes. Marriage itself does not depend on sex, but in some legal systems a lack of sex can be grounds to end one. In England and Wales, an opposite-sex marriage that was never consummated can be annulled. Official guidance defines this as not having had intercourse with your spouse since the wedding, and it does not apply to same-sex couples. Other countries and states have their own versions of this rule, and they differ, so check local law if this matters to you.

Long marriages also mean revisiting old agreements. What worked in your twenties may need renegotiating after children, illness or menopause. Couples considering children should talk early about how they will conceive, since the options include sex, assisted conception, fostering and adoption.

Signs a mismatch is not working, and where counselling helps

A mismatch stops working when one or both partners feel chronically unseen, pressured or resentful, and repeated talks change nothing. Many couples reach that point and recover with help. Others decide, honestly, that their needs do not fit.

Warning signs worth taking seriously

Watch for scorekeeping, such as “we haven’t had sex in X months,” used as a weapon. Another sign is sex that happens out of guilt or fear of losing the relationship. A third is a partner hiding their needs to keep the peace, so the problem goes underground instead of away. The clearest sign is the same argument on repeat, with neither person moving.

None of this is unusual. A European Society for Sexual Medicine position statement says desire issues are among the most common complaints couples report. It also notes that the evidence on how desire gaps affect satisfaction is conflicting. Some studies find negative effects, while others find positive ones. Gaps that persist or grow over time tend to cause more distress.

What a therapist can and cannot do

A therapist can help you talk without the usual spiral, separate the orientation from the relationship’s other problems, and test what is negotiable. AASECT, the US professional body for sex therapists, trains clinicians to judge whether differences are flexible, negotiable, or potentially non-compatible. That last option matters. A good therapist will help you see an incompatibility clearly rather than push one partner to give in.

An affirming therapist will not try to cure asexuality. The DSM-5-TR rules out a low-desire diagnosis when the low desire is explained by an asexual identity. The ESSM statement also warns against treating the lower-desire partner as the patient.

To find one, look for a licensed therapist with sex therapy training. AASECT-certified sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who specialise in sexual concerns. Before booking, ask directly: “How do you work with asexual clients?” A vague or “we’ll get your desire back” answer is a reason to keep looking.

Consent and compromise without coercion

Compromise is a choice made freely. Coercion is getting a yes through guilt, pressure, repeated asking or threats to the relationship. Every ace and mixed relationship needs a clear line between the two.

What pressure looks like in a relationship

Love is respect, a project of the US National Domestic Violence Hotline, defines sexual coercion to include persistent attempts at sexual contact after someone has refused. It can be emotional rather than physical. Examples include making a partner feel they owe you, or using the relationship itself as leverage.

Subtle versions are common. Researchers from a Quebec couples lab, citing a 2011 study of heterosexual couples, report that subtle sexual coercion showed up in one out of every two of those relationships. They link it to “sexual precedence,” the belief that past sex means future availability. That belief hits ace people hard, because many tried sex before they knew the word asexual.

The cost shows up in the data. In the 2022 Ace Community Survey, 37.1% of ace respondents had had consensual sex. Within that group, 47.3% said they had agreed to sex they would have declined if they had known about options or identities. That kind of sex was consensual on paper, but it did not reflect what they wanted.

Compromise that stays consensual

Healthy compromise has three features. It is freely given, so a no carries no penalty. It is specific, covering one agreed thing rather than an open-ended promise. And it can be withdrawn at any time, because consent is ongoing.

Some ace people choose sex with a partner, and that can be a real choice. Ask yourself whether you would still say yes if saying no cost nothing. If the honest answer is no, the arrangement needs to change.

If pressure has turned into threats, monitoring or force, reach out to a domestic violence hotline or a counsellor. You do not have to be sure it “counts” to ask.

Frequently asked questions

Can asexual people fall in love?

Yes. Romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction, and many ace people feel it. In the 2024 Ace Community Survey, 20.2% of ace respondents were currently in a romantic relationship and 31.6% had been in one before. Others are aromantic and form deep bonds without romance.

Can you kiss someone while being asexual?

If you both want to, yes. Some ace people enjoy kissing, some find it neutral, and some dislike it. Feelings can depend on the person, the moment, and the specific act. The only reliable guide is asking your partner and respecting the answer, including when it changes.

Can an asexual person be in a relationship with a non-asexual person?

Mixed ace-allosexual relationships are common, and they can last. They work best with explicit, repeated conversations about sex, affection and alternatives, rather than unspoken hopes. Some couples stay monogamous with little or no sex. Others agree on an open arrangement. What matters is that both partners chose the arrangement freely and keep revisiting it.

Do asexual couples sleep together?

Many share a bed, and sharing a bed does not have to mean sex. For some ace couples, falling asleep together is one of the most important forms of closeness. Others sleep apart because of different schedules or a need for space. Treat it as its own question on your Yes/No/Maybe list.

Is it okay to have sex with an asexual partner?

Only when they freely want to, with no guilt or pressure behind the yes. Some ace people choose sex with a partner and are comfortable with it. Many do not. In the 2022 Ace Community Survey, 60.9% of ace respondents had never had consensual sex. Their yes, and their no, both have to be safe.

Building a relationship around what you both want

Asexual relationships succeed on the same things every relationship needs: honesty about what each person wants, and agreements both people chose freely. The difference is that ace couples cannot lean on the usual script, so they have to write their own.

Start small. Make your own Yes/No/Maybe list, pick a calm moment, and have the first of many conversations. Ask your partner what love looks like to them, and tell them what it looks like to you. Put a date in the calendar to check in.

If the same argument keeps coming back, see an ace-affirming therapist early, before resentment sets in. And hold one line throughout: a yes only counts when no would have been safe too.

Related reading

• What Is a Relationship Without Sex? Sexless Relationships Explained
• Sex-Repulsed, Sex-Averse, Sex-Indifferent and Sex-Favorable: What Each Term Means
• Aromantic vs Asexual vs Aroace: How the Three Labels Differ
• What Does a Sex Therapist Do? Who They Are, What Sessions Look Like, and How to Find One

Sources

1. Asexuality; The Unicorn of Sexual Orientation - Sexual Health Research Lab, Queen’s University
2. 2024 Ace Community Survey Summary Report - Ace Community Survey Team (with Northwestern University)
3. What is a queer platonic partner? - Mashable
4. 2022 Ace Community Survey Summary Report - Ace Community Survey Team
5. Helping Couples Bridge the Gap Between Erotic Differences - AASECT
6. What is sexual coercion? - love is respect (National Domestic Violence Hotline project)
7. OkCupid Launches New Gender and Sexuality Options - Glamour
8. Ace Cupid - Asexual Dating App - App Store listing (AceCupid)
9. Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, section 12 - legislation.gov.uk (UK Government)
10. Annul a marriage: When you can annul a marriage - GOV.UK
11. Sexual Desire Discrepancy: A Position Statement of the European Society for Sexual Medicine - European Society for Sexual Medicine (Sexual Medicine journal)
12. AASECT Certified Sex Therapist - American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT)
13. What is subtle sexual coercion within intimate relationships? - TRACE research team blog (Dugal and Brassard)