What Is a Relationship Without Sex? Sexless Relationships Explained

A relationship without sex is a committed romantic partnership in which the couple has little or no sexual contact, often called a sexless relationship. Some couples choose it and are content. For others it happens slowly, and one partner is quietly unhappy about it.

That split matters more than any number. A sexless relationship that both people agreed to is a valid way to be together. One where a partner feels rejected, lonely or pressured is a problem worth solving, and it usually can be solved or at least eased.

This guide explains what counts as sexless, how common it is, and how to tell a shared choice from a mismatch. It then covers why sex fades and what couples can do next, including when to see a doctor or sex therapist.

What counts as a sexless relationship

A relationship counts as sexless when sex has stopped or nearly stopped for a long stretch, and that is not just a short pause. There is no legal or medical cut-off, but researchers and therapists use a few common lines.

The usual research definition

The figure quoted most often comes from couples research. The Gottman Institute describes a sexless marriage as one with sex fewer than 10 times a year, or less than once a month. Other studies set a stricter bar: no sexual activity together at all in the past year. Some experts call the fewer-than-10 group a “low-sex” marriage instead.

Treat those lines as rough guides. A couple who have sex eight times a year and both feel fine about it are not in trouble because of a number. A couple who have sex monthly, where one partner feels starved and the other feels pressured, may be struggling more. The Gottman article makes the same point: the count does not capture the emotional pain a gap can cause.

So the more useful questions are personal. Has sex mostly stopped? Has it been that way for months? And does it bother either of you?

Names for a relationship without sex

People use several words, and they mean slightly different things:

• Sexless relationship or sexless marriage: the general term for a couple who rarely or never have sex, whatever the reason.
• Platonic or companionate partnership: a close, committed bond built on friendship, care and shared life rather than sex. Some long-married couples drift into this; others choose it.
• Celibate partnership: both partners choose not to have sex, for religious, health or personal reasons.
• Asexual relationship: one or both partners are asexual.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation. An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction, and that is different from celibacy, which is a choice to refrain from sex. Romantic attraction is a separate thing again. So an asexual person can still fall in love, want a partner and enjoy cuddling or hugging.

Sexless relationship vs. a dry spell

Most couples go through quiet patches. A new baby, a long-hours job, illness, grief or a move can push sex down the list for weeks or months. Frequency normally rises and falls over a long relationship.

A dry spell has a cause you can name and an end you can picture. It becomes a sexless pattern when the reason has passed but sex has not come back, when neither of you raises it, or when touch itself starts to feel loaded. That shift often happens without anyone deciding it.

How common is a relationship without sex?

Going without sex in a relationship is less rare than most people assume, although a fully sexless marriage is uncommon among younger adults. The bigger trend is couples having sex less often.

What the surveys show

The best long-run US data come from the General Social Survey. A 2020 analysis of adults aged 18 to 44 in JAMA Network Open found that sexual inactivity among married people was rare. Among married men it rose only slightly, from 0.4% to 1.7% between 2000 and 2018. What fell clearly was weekly sex. The share of married men having sex at least weekly dropped from 71.1% to 57.7%, and for married women from 69.1% to 60.9%.

Low frequency is far more common than none at all. In General Social Survey data for 2016 to 2018, about 5.2% of married men and 5.5% of married women reported sex only once or twice a year. Roughly a third reported sex 1 to 3 times a month.

Outside marriage the picture shifts. Among all men aged 18 to 44, past-year inactivity rose from 9.5% to 16.5% over the same period. Most of that rise was among unmarried men. The study could not say why, or whether people minded.

Why the numbers vary with age and health

Age alone is a weaker predictor than many expect. A national study of Americans aged 57 to 85, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, found many people stay sexually active into their 70s and 80s. Health mattered more than age. Among partnered people who had stopped having sex, the most common reason, given by 55% of men and 64% of women, was the male partner’s physical health.

Sexual problems were common even among older adults who were still active. Lack of desire affected 43% of women and vaginal dryness 39%, while 37% of men reported erectile dysfunction. So in later life, a relationship without sex often traces back to a body that changed, not to love that faded.

Chosen arrangement or mismatched needs? How to tell

The quickest test is simple: does each of you, asked privately, say the arrangement suits you? If both say yes, it is a choice. If one says yes and the other goes quiet, it is a mismatch, even if nobody has said so out loud.

When a sexless relationship is a shared choice

Plenty of couples build a good life without sex. A few common examples:

• Two asexual partners, or an asexual person with a partner who has a low interest in sex. Since asexuality is an orientation and not a disorder, there is nothing to fix.
• A companionate couple in a long marriage who stopped having sex years ago, talked about it, and found they both prefer closeness without it.
• A health-based agreement, for example after cancer treatment or with chronic pain, where both partners decide to put their energy into other kinds of intimacy.

What these have in common is an explicit conversation. The arrangement was named, both people agreed to it, and they feel free to raise it again if something changes. Desires shift over a lifetime, so a choice that fit in your forties may need a fresh look in your sixties.

When it is a mismatch

A mismatch looks different from the inside. One partner wants sex and feels rejected, unattractive or lonely. The other may feel guilty, pressured or simply uninterested, and starts to avoid moments that might lead to sex.

That gap is common. Researchers at Texas State University describe sexual incompatibility as “really common in long-term relationships” and one of the key reasons couples seek therapy. Their work also found something hopeful. When a partner was clearly motivated to meet the other’s sexual needs, unmet desires did much less damage to how satisfied people felt with the relationship.

There is one firm line in any mismatch. Wanting more sex is understandable, but no one is ever required to have sex. The US Office on Women’s Health lists repeated asking, guilt-tripping and threats to leave as forms of sexual coercion. Sexual contact without consent is assault, including inside a relationship.

Side-by-side: chosen vs. mismatched

Couples in the right-hand column will find the rest of this guide most useful. A relationship that sits on the left it may need nothing more than an occasional check-in.

Why relationships become sexless

Most sexless relationships have more than one cause, and the causes feed each other. A medical problem makes sex awkward, the awkwardness leads to avoidance, and the avoidance turns into distance. Low sex drive itself is common: Cleveland Clinic says it affects up to 1 in 5 men, and even more women, at some point in life.

Physical health changes

Erectile dysfunction (ED), trouble getting or keeping an erection, is one of the most common physical reasons. UChicago Medicine reports that it affects about 50% of men aged 40 to 70 and is even more common after 70. ED also deserves attention for its own sake. It shares risk factors with heart disease, such as high blood pressure and diabetes, and can show up two to four years before a heart attack.

For women, falling estrogen around perimenopause and menopause can lower desire. Vaginal dryness and pain during sex can make sex something to brace for rather than enjoy. Other conditions play a part too, including endometriosis and infections such as yeast infections or UTIs that make sex uncomfortable for a while. In men, low testosterone can lower desire alongside ED.

Chronic illness, long-term pain, fatigue and surgery all have similar effects. In the older-adult study above, the male partner’s health was the leading reason partnered couples had stopped.

Medications and mental health

Several common medicines lower sex drive as a side effect. Cleveland Clinic names antidepressants, antipsychotics, chemotherapy drugs and blood pressure medicines, along with some hormonal birth control. Heavy drinking, smoking and recreational drugs can have the same effect.

Mental health matters just as much. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and past sexual trauma can all reduce desire. This can create a frustrating loop. A person treated for depression may feel better in every way except their libido, because the medicine is part of the cause. If that sounds familiar, raise it with the prescriber rather than stopping a medicine on your own.

Life stages: babies, stress and ageing

Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding bring hormone shifts, physical recovery and broken sleep, and all of them can lower desire. Work pressure and money worries do the same, and so can stress from family and daily life, such as caring for children or ageing parents. Anxiety raises stress hormones, which can dampen sex drive further.

These causes are often temporary, which is why a sexless stretch after a new baby is so common. The risk is that the habit outlasts the cause. By the time life calms down, the couple may have lost the easy, playful touch that used to lead to sex.

Relationship problems

Sometimes the problem is the relationship itself. Unresolved anger, resentment, lack of emotional closeness and differing sexual boundaries all show up in the bedroom. A sex therapist writing for the Gottman Institute names poor overall communication, poor sexual communication and a missing emotional connection as the more common causes seen in their office.

The same article describes a pattern called the avoidant dynamic. One partner reaches for sex and hears “no” several times, for reasons like tiredness, stress or a recent fight. To avoid more rejection, that partner stops initiating. Then everyday touch fades as well, because one partner fears a hug will lead to sex and the other fears it will lead to rejection. In the end the couple feel like roommates. Nobody chose this. It grew out of small, understandable reactions.

Desire differences and orientation

People also differ in how desire works. Some feel it out of the blue. Others rarely do, but find desire builds once they are already being touched and feel close. When one partner waits for the other to “feel like it” first, the second partner may never get there.

Orientation can be part of the picture too. A partner may realise, sometimes years into a relationship, that they are asexual or gray-asexual, which means they feel sexual attraction rarely or only weakly. That is not a flaw or an illness. It does change what the couple needs to talk about.

Can a relationship without sex be healthy?

Yes, a relationship without sex can be healthy and lasting, as long as both partners are genuinely content with it. Where it goes wrong is when one person is unhappy and the topic cannot be discussed.

What research says about sex and happiness

More sex is not always better. Medical News Today, summarising the research, notes that sex about once a week is linked with greater relationship satisfaction. No research shows that having sex more often than that adds to it. A 2015 study by Muise and colleagues also found that for people in relationships, frequency mattered less to well-being than once assumed.

Affection seems to carry much of the benefit. The same summary notes that sex and affection go together, and that it is partly the affection around sex that lifts satisfaction. That helps explain why some sexless couples stay close. They keep the hugs, the kisses goodbye and the hand on the shoulder, so the warmth remains.

Keep one limit of this research in mind. The big national surveys count how often people have sex, not whether they are happy about it. The JAMA Network Open authors said plainly that they could not measure reasons for inactivity or how people felt about it. A couple’s own agreement tells you more than a national average.

Myths vs. evidence

Myth: a sexless relationship means there is no love. Many couples lose sex because of a body that changed, not feelings that changed. Among older couples who had stopped, the most common reason was the male partner’s health. Asexual people form loving romantic relationships too.

Another myth: sexless couples always break up. No one knows how many sexless marriages end in divorce, and some couples stay married and find other ways to be intimate. What does strain a relationship is an unresolved mismatch. Sexual incompatibility is a frequently cited reason for breakups, which is different from saying sexlessness itself causes them.

A third: if you do not feel desire first, something is wrong. Desire does not always come before arousal. In the Basson model, many women choose to be open to closeness, arousal follows, and desire arrives after that. This is often called responsive desire, and it is a normal pattern rather than a dysfunction.

Finally, the idea that low libido is one partner’s problem alone. Low desire usually has causes worth looking at, from medication to stress to resentment, and many are treatable. It also tends to be a shared problem in practice, because both partners shape the dynamic around it.

Options when you and your partner want different things

You have more options than “put up with it” or “leave”. Most couples start with a conversation, then work on touch, health and, if needed, the shape of the relationship itself.

Start with an honest conversation

Pick a calm moment away from the bedroom, not straight after a rejected advance. Speak about your own feelings rather than your partner’s failings. Ask questions you actually want answered, and listen to the answers without arguing back.

A hypothetical opener might sound like this: “I miss being close to you, and I’ve been avoiding saying so because I don’t want you to feel pressured. Can we talk about how each of us feels about our sex life?” It names the issue, owns the feeling and invites a reply.

Expect it to take more than one talk. The first conversation often surfaces hurt on both sides, and that is useful information. DivorceNet’s experts note that the issues behind a sexless marriage usually come down to a lack of communication about feelings, needs and frustrations.

Rebuild intimacy and touch without pressure

Because touch often fades along with sex, rebuilding non-sexual affection is a sensible first step. Hold hands, hug for longer, cuddle on the sofa. It helps to agree openly that this touch will not lead to sex for now. That agreement lets the less interested partner relax into it instead of bracing for a request.

Emotional intimacy counts as well. Time alone together, honest conversation and small daily kindnesses rebuild the connection that sex usually grows from.

A more structured route is sensate focus, a set of touching exercises often used in sex therapy. Couples set aside about an hour, somewhere private. In the first phase, partners take turns touching each other while avoiding the genitals and nipples, and this stage can last several weeks. Later phases add genital touch and, eventually, penetration if both want it. The point is to notice sensation and talk about it, without the pressure of a goal. Movember’s guide notes couples can also use these exercises simply to be close without pressure to have sex.

Treat the medical side

See a doctor when pain, erection problems, dryness, low drive or a new medicine is part of the story. A provider can check hormone levels, review medications and treat the underlying condition. Options include switching a drug that lowers libido, menopause hormone therapy, testosterone treatment for men with low levels, and two FDA-approved medicines for premenopausal women with low desire. Erection problems are also worth checking because of their link to heart health.

Consider a different relationship structure

Some couples who love each other but want different amounts of sex try consensual non-monogamy. That means all partners explicitly agree that one or both can have sexual or romantic relationships with other people. It is more common than many assume. Kinsey Institute research on two national samples of single adults found that about 1 out of 5 single Americans have tried it at some point in their lives.

It is a real option, and also a demanding one. Both partners need to agree honestly, set clear rules and be willing to manage jealousy. These relationships also still carry stigma. An affair is a different thing entirely. Going outside the relationship without agreement is a betrayal of trust, not a solution.

Deciding whether to stay or leave

Not every couple works through it. Questions worth asking yourself include whether your partner will discuss the issue at all, and whether they will try anything to improve it. Ask, too, whether the lack of sex reflects lost respect or love. DivorceNet lists refusing to talk, refusing to work on it, and drives so different that neither will compromise as warning signs.

Whatever you decide, pressure is never the answer. No one owes a partner sex, and wearing someone down with repeated requests or guilt is a form of sexual coercion. Ending a relationship honestly is a better outcome than pushing someone into sex they do not want.

When to see a doctor or sex therapist

See a professional when the problem has lasted months, when talking at home keeps ending in hurt, or when there is any sign of a physical cause. These are the clearest triggers:

• New erection problems, especially in your 30s or 40s or with heart risk factors. ED can be an early warning sign of heart or blood vessel disease, so a doctor or urologist should check it.
• Pain or dryness during sex. A gynecologist or primary care provider can look for causes such as menopause changes, infections or endometriosis.
• A drop in desire after starting a medicine. Ask the prescriber whether a dose change or a different drug might help.
• Low mood, anxiety or past trauma that affects sex. Individual therapy can help with what sits underneath the desire problem.
• The same argument on repeat. A couples therapist can help you communicate and rebuild intimacy.
• Mismatched desire, shame or fear around sex. A sex therapist is trained for exactly this.

A sex therapist is a licensed professional, such as a psychologist, social worker or doctor, with specialised training in sexual health. Sessions are talk therapy, alone or as a couple, sometimes with exercises to try at home. Cleveland Clinic states that sessions never involve physical contact or sexual activity with the therapist. Because sex therapists do not treat physical conditions, it often makes sense to see a medical provider first to rule them out. In the US, look for a therapist certified by AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

Anyone who feels pressured or unsafe can contact a domestic violence hotline or a doctor you trust.

Frequently asked questions

What is it called when you want a relationship but not sex?

If you feel little or no sexual attraction but do want a romantic partner, you may identify as asexual, with a romantic orientation such as heteroromantic, homoromantic or panromantic. Asexuality is an orientation, not a medical condition. A committed couple who agree to skip sex may also describe their bond as platonic, companionate or celibate. The label matters less than being clear with a partner about what you want.

How long can a relationship last without sex?

A relationship can last indefinitely without sex if both partners are content with that. Some couples stay married this way and find other forms of intimacy. The risk comes when one partner is unhappy. A long gap that nobody talks about tends to spread into less touch and less emotional closeness over time.

Is it normal to be in a sexless relationship?

It is more common than people think, and low sexual frequency is far more common than none at all. About 5.2% of married men and 5.5% of married women in US survey data reported sex only once or twice a year. “Normal” matters less than whether the arrangement works for both of you.

Can a sexless marriage be fixed?

Often, yes. A Gottman Institute article calls a sexless marriage rarely a final verdict. Treating medical causes, changing a medicine, rebuilding non-sexual touch, and working with a couples or sex therapist all help many couples. Progress depends on both partners being willing to try.

Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?

In the US, every state now allows no-fault divorce, so you usually do not need to prove a reason such as lack of sex. A few states still allow fault-based divorce. Courts have sometimes treated a spouse’s persistent, unjustified refusal of sex as abandonment or cruelty. Laws vary, so speak with a family lawyer about your situation.

The bottom line

A relationship without sex is not a verdict on its own. For some couples, it is a shared and settled choice that leaves room for deep affection. For others, it is a slow drift that leaves one partner lonely and the other guilty.

The question that sorts the two is whether you both agreed to it and both still feel fine. If the answer is yes, check in now and then as life changes. If the answer is no, start with one calm, honest conversation. Then look at the likely causes, from medicines and health to stress and old resentments. Many of them can be treated, and a doctor or a certified sex therapist can help you work out which ones apply.

Whatever you find, keep two things in view. You deserve a relationship that meets your needs, and no one ever owes anyone sex.

Related reading

• What Is a Healthy Sex Life? Communication, Satisfaction, Safety and Choice
• What Does a Sex Therapist Do? Who They Are, What Sessions Look Like, and How to Find One
• What Is the Normal Amount of Sex for Married Couples?
• What Is a Sex-Positive Relationship?

Sources

1. Can a Sexless Marriage Be Saved? - The Gottman Institute
2. Sexless Marriage and Divorce - DivorceNet (Nolo)
3. Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation - LGBTQ Center, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
4. Trends in Frequency of Sexual Activity and Number of Sexual Partners Among Adults Aged 18 to 44 Years in the US, 2000-2018 - JAMA Network Open (via PubMed Central)
5. How often do couples have sex? Statistics and affecting factors - Medical News Today
6. First comprehensive national survey charts sexual behavior among older adults - UChicago Medicine (reporting NSHAP study in the New England Journal of Medicine)
7. Study shows responsive partner can bridge sexual disconnect in romantic relationships - Texas State University Newsroom (reporting a Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study)
8. Sexual coercion - Office on Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
9. Low Libido (Low Sex Drive) Causes & Treatment - Cleveland Clinic
10. What can erectile dysfunction tell you about heart health? - UChicago Medicine
11. CME: Redefining female sexual response - Contemporary OB/GYN
12. Using sensate focus exercises to reclaim sex and intimacy after prostate cancer treatment - Movember (True North sex and intimacy guide)
13. Engagement in and Benefits of Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships - Discover Society (Amy C. Moors and Jes L. Matsick)
14. Sex Therapist: What They Do and When To See One - Cleveland Clinic